This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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