She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
