Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
