Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
