i was born a porn star she said
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
