I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
