So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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