My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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