I'm jealous of your bromance
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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