can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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