I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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