She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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