omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
