How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
