Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
