see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
