What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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