My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
