I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize