One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize