if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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