His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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