I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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