Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
