is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
