Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
