you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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