Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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