Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
