his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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