On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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