did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
