I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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