Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
