I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
