It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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