I have demons in me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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