My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
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One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
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Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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