i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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