What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
