My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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