T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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