you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
