1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
