Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
