Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize