I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
