i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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