Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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