Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
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I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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