We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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