Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
