Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
