too bad you live with your parents still
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
