I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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