He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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