I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
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This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
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he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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