Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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