My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
