ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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