Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We had to coat check the pizza.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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