drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
false alarm, still single
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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