I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
